I Was His Wife Before I Became Their Mom

Something that I could never relate to was the phrase, “Marriage is hard”. Some may not agree but let me explain. I think that life is hard and trials that we endure can be unimaginably hard but marriage? It’s easier in life to overcome trials when you have someone you love by your side helping you. I have a constant companion to make decisions with and someone who completely gets and supports me. Adam and I’s relationship has never been hard because we always make each other a priority.

Everyone thought we were crazy when we married at 20 and 22. We both were in college, working minimum wage and living in a tiny one bedroom apartment. It wasn’t about material things for us and never has been. It didn’t matter if we had a fancy house or high salary job it the only thing that matters was that we were together at the end of the day.

After kids it was no different. We knew it would be a challenge making each other a priority but we also wanted to make it our goal. Those tiny adorable humans, who your completely smitten by, can drain every ounce of energy. By the time your husband walks in the door from work, greeting him with a kiss is probably the last thing on a mom’s mind. A bond between a mother and a child is unbreakable so why shouldn’t the love between a husband and wife be the same?

We recently had an 18-hour drive and when we got home and laid in bed, Adam whispered in my ear.

“I love that we can spend hours in the car doing nothing and never get tired of each other.”

The work of marriage is not like washing the dishes or folding the laundry. It’s a constant commitment to choose each other and put each other first.

Apologize, Forgive and Repeat.

Often times when we are stressed we take it out on the people we love the most, like our spouse. We’re all human and we say things we don’t mean. Be quick to say I’m sorry and slow to walk away. When I get angry with Adam he’ll immediately say he’s sorry and we move on. Even when I want to keep fighting or be sassy, he’ll annoy me with hugs and kisses. He’ll try to hold me until forget why I was mad in the first place. I honestly believe the reason our marriage is so easy is because we choose NOT to fight. We’ve learned to forgive easily and forget quickly.

Be Each Other’s Best Friend:

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Always be honest and open with each other. Share everything with them even the weird stuff. Being each other’s best friend means being their biggest supporter. Never talk bad about the other especially behind their back. A sense of humor and good listening are vital. Be fiercely loyal, polite, trustworthy and always show up.

Make Time For One Another

Marriage requires effort and attention, especially after having kids. Take time each week to spend an hour with just your spouse. Hire a babysitter and go on a date! Make sure when you are out to dinner that you are giving your spouse your full attention and not checking your phone.

Once a year Adam and I like to go on a trip to somewhere we haven’t been before without the kids. Even though we spend the majority of the trip talking about how much we love our boys it is great to spend one on one time together and is so important to continue to grow in our marriage.

Remember You Were His Wife Before You Became Their Mom

“When the kids leave our home I want to celebrate a job well done with my lover- not sit in a quiet house with a person who has become a stranger as a result of years of quietly drifting apart.” –Amber Doty

Our kids become our top priority when they enter this world and the role of a mom can overshadow the role of being a wife. We become diaper changing, bottle making, and laundry folding robots that we forget we were his wife before we became their mom. Our kids will live with us for such a short time and after they leave, our spouse is the only one left. We can’t put our marriage on hold for 18 years and expect it to be there right where we left it. Remember to make your spouse feel cherished. Kiss him randomly and flirt with him.

A strong marriage is the best thing we can give our children. A husband and wife are the first example to their children of what a happy marriage is like. When they see mom and dad working as a team, loving and showing respect to each other, they will reflect those characteristics in their future relationships. As parent’s we can only hope our kids will find a partner who will always put them first but most importantly we need to teach our kids to be that person.

Putting God First

God must come first in our lives and especially our marriage. One priority should be faith. Serving God, attending church, honoring covenants, praying together and keeping Him at the center of our relationship is most crucial for a successful marriage. On Sunday’s we attend church and some days it’s a battle getting everyone ready on time. Then when actually get to church we usually spend the hour trying to keep our boys from running and shouting and try to teach them reverence. It can turn into what may feel like a complete waste of time. But I know that our efforts do not go unnoticed by the Lord and that teaching our kids and leading by example is the most important work we could ever do in this life.